29th
DADS
In past blogs I have written about my mom and my spiritual mom..Today I would like to post about DADS..
I never realized how much of an impact a father has on a little girl. In fact, her future relationships with men as an adult are based on the foundation of her relationship with her “daddy”. Actualy, I feel, her future trust in the opposite sex is based on the total behavior of her father, as a provider, a husband and a protector.
Now, I am not a therapist, I am only making these statements, purely on personal experiences. Unfortunately, I never had a dad I could count on, mine was an abusive cruel man and severely disturbed. My younger years were based on fear, dread, and embarrassment. My self worth was compromised, because I internalized the reasons for the beatings as it being, my fault.
I don’t want to rehash the details of my life at this time, I want to write this to the many children of abusive parents. Although still sensitive for me, I can relate to you that I am not where I want to be….but I certainly am not where I used to be…I have healed and grown in this realm and would like to share with you how I have come from an insecure person to a person who, at this time has been released from inner torment of a child labeled “abused”.
For many years I chose to bury the past and live in a deceptive mode.. I felt,that, I should do all I can to make people like me, notice me, or even accept me. I became the person who always tried to save the day for many, just so that I would be noticed as a nice person. I, also went through the destructive mode and the I don’t care mode..all to no avail..The scars still bled within me.. I trusted no man and expected failures in all my relationships…after all what could I base a successful relationship on?
Because I was not loved in the usual manner by a parent, I deduced that no one could or would love me unconditionaly, including God. I figured that IF God realy cared He would have protected me. Another rejection, another wall.
Deception is a very powerful tool…It has tentacles that will choke everything within you…. My release came when my spiritual mom entered my life…I saw the unconditional love and patience in her, she taught me the most important thing in my life…I AM WORTH BEING LOVED, and that all was not my fault..She taught me that God was not an ogre, ready to pounce me if I screwed up..That in every detail of my life He was there. That, He could not interfere with the free will of the human I called, father..But, none the less He was there. After all these years I can look in a mirror and see ME, not just a shell of a person. I know I am carrying on, and this blog is unusually long..But how does one compare the importance of a short blog to the healing of a hurting soul?
MOM
